You know.

At this point I wouldn’t even need to say, for any of you to know. 

I wanted to teach my Mum crochet, she said okay later when she gets home. So once she gets home I wait a bit then get ready to teach her. She said you arn’t getting me to crochet like it was something dirty. I don’t understand why. But now she’s sat at the frontroom table drifting in and out of sleep because she drank too much. Can someone please tell me how too be okay with this. Why does alcohol make me want to cry and fall into a ball of nerves. Why am I so effected. And why does she keep doing this too herself. Why?

Nightime moaning

It’s been every other night now. Saying that you’ll cut down/give up is just getting my hopes up. Please just tell me the truth. You have no intention of giving up alcohol ever. I’d rather that that have to face the up and downs. I want the edge off of my anxiety, and i’m sorry it involves your actions. I tried to keep my hands busy and blast music into my ears. But I still know it’s in the house and running through your system. 

Theres no way to describe the feelings clearly, the ones that I feel when my Mum resists going to bed and the passes out in the frontroom. Still sat at the table. I’m worried for her

10.18pm

I won’t bother texting. Asking for them to be quiet. It happens often enough now that I think it’s not worth my time. I need to turn my focus away. Get distracted. The pit of my stomache is whirling way below me. I’m sweating and far too nervous. I can’t stand it. The smell and just the fact that they can neck it down in such a short time. I want them to be healthy. I mention any of this to them, that it’s triggering. They say ”you just don’t want me to have fun”. They always do and I need to face the hard cold fact that they’ll never listen.

Why?

Within seconds of seeing alcohol, why does my stomache drop?

I feel sick,

I feel dizzy

And I just want to cry
Is this just the PTSD? It’s just so triggering when I see it. How can I stop it. My mum rightfully enjoys drinking it. She doesn’t think of my Dads abusive side that happend years ago. He’s not even alive anymore. So why? Why do I feel so helpless? These moments are the most depressing and I don’t want them to be. I stick to my room and asides i’ve already asked my mum if she can stop, I can’t stand it. I don’t know if she understands to well. Is it my fault? I mean my younger sisters feel the same but they seem to function okayish still. I feel like a heap of emotions on the mention of it, the site, the smell. Is that my Autism? Who knows?
Why?

5 Cat Allergy Tips

1) Air Purifier
Not only will this remove Allergens from the air, it also makes the air all round cleaner. You can also buy oils to add or buy solutions that are for an air purifier. I recommend at least getting ones that are made for it, as some are solely used for helping with pet allergies.

2) Disposable face masks
These little things are great! Useful for when you’re cleaning the litter tray or brushing your cats fur. I sometimes wear one to bed as my cat often sleeps with me.

3) Lightweight Handheld Hoover
Example: Mattress Hoovers
Easy and quick to use daily because you’re going to be doing a lot of hoovering. especially if your cats often on your bed.

4) Lint Roller
Self Explanatory
And chances are you already have one as a cat owner ;p

5) And a whole lotta love
After all, you’re allergic to your beloved fur baby. It takes a lot of love and patience.
But it’s worth it, right?

 

 

Note #1 My allergy is minor and not life threatening
I’m aware that some people have it much worse and I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do for it.

Note #2 Hypoallergenic Cats
Don’t give up hope! There are some cats that suit a person with cat allergies well. An example is a Russian blue cat! 🙂

Self care isn’t selfish?

This idea that self care isn’t selfish always leaves me conflicted. I try to view from someone elses persective to me or just what I would say to someone.

I always give the advice of looking after yourself, and just all round caring and comforting yourself. Why can’t I apply this too myself? Why when it comes to me doing it, I have this little voice in my head that’s like “Really? You don’t even deserve a shower”

If someone had said that to me; that they thought they didn’t even deserve a shower. I’d be so like what!? Of course you do. It’s just a shower.

And that right there is what it’s like with mental health. It makes you believe don’t deserve anything, no matter how big or small. And what’s worse, is even if it lets you have a shower; it won’t give you the energy.

Little things are a chore. Some days I don’t brush my teeth, I have no energy. It’s something that will make no sense to some people, but to others. It’s very familiar.

What counts as being selfish?

Is watching TV by yourself selfish?

Why can’t I enjoy TV without feeling this way?

Does anyone else get this?

Um..

I havn’t written many posts here yet, and they tend to relate to my autistm, anxiety etc. I want to write something different that means more too me.

I am morbidly obese

I will now say my life choices everyday are the worst. I have no self control, no motivation. And if a family member was in my position i’d say stop! You’re killing yourself!

Truth is, i’m killing myself, a little at a time and I never stick with a routine to change it. I want help from people who are all sizes from all parts of life. And now I say that when I was 16 I was put on the medication Risperidone. It’s an anti-psychotic and let’s just say I had quite a dose. I had to take it twice a day. I was on this medication until I was 18. I gained so much weight. Not only that, I was going through quite a tough diagnoses. No one listened to me. When someone listened diagnosed me, they took me off old meds and and onto Risperidone.

I hardly went to school because I kept having panic attacks daily. I stuffer PTSD due to an alcoholic father. Who was still trying to find where we lived so he could take my younger siblings. I was in my last year of high school (and this was the 2nd H school I went too). I had my exams and I had just general teenage problems.

I had an eating disorder in early high school years, I lost so much weight. I had alwayd been a little over average, but I lost more than was healthy. I just couldn’t eat I was depressed.

After a year on Risperidone my appetite had came back and I was comfort eating.

I need some advise, I need some motivation. It’d be nice to hear everyones opinion and also if anyones in the same boat as me. I’ve never had friends who wern’t family
Please keep everything i’ve said in mind and the fact I have no confidence. I’ve also moved away from where I was in high school. I literally know noone other than my family I live with. Please help!

I want to work hard but I don’t know where to start

I’m only 20, I don’t want to die early. I want to travel the world and look after my fur babies. I want to go to university and have friends. I want to live my life. I know I should stop saying I can’t but I can’t leave the house a whole lot. How do I deal with anxiety?